What I Don't See

 The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, 

share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another's, 

smile at someone and receive a smile in return, 

are to me continual spiritual exercises.

~ Leo Buscaglia   

I've always looked at myself as someone who is too frank and direct at times, if not most of the time.  I'm not really insensitive about people's feelings but sometimes that's how I appear to most.  I do try to mince the words that come out of my mouth, but I won't be this little Miss-Sugar-and-Spice-and-Everything-Nice when I really feel that the the truth should be spoken in the open, or what I think is right, or when someone simply needs a real wake up talk.  Don't get me wrong though, I don't force others to think the same way, I'm just giving them a piece of my mind.  Let's just say, I could say things that are not meant to hurt, in fact they are meant to help, but you would feel the "Ouch!" because somehow they hit a mark and you know why it does.

So, in my opinion, and I think a lot of people would agree... I don't think I'm such a "sweet" and "nice" kind of friend.   A somewhat good friend maybe, but sweet and nice...???  Nahhh... ironic though because my name is really sweet.  Hahaha!  That's why I couldn't believe what I heard when someone told me I have the "gift of caring".  My reaction was, "Who?  Me???  Are you kidding???!!"  In normal circumstances I would have said, "Get out of here!" but I was too shocked with what I heard.  So I asked what made her even think that and here's what she said: 

Apparently, I ... always ask how they (friends, group) are, how is such and such doing?, is she ok?, etc.
... ask others to look after someone I am worried about when I know I will be away
... always have time to talk when they need someone to talk to, can ring or SMS me anytime
... asked her to contact our other friend when we had a mix up on our meeting place just to make sure she won't be lost
... volunteered to find them instead of them looking for me when we ridiculously could not find each other where we're supposed to meet
... rush to go home to prepare dinner fro my brothers (hahaha!)
... coincidentally get myself seated next to a first-time attendee during church service and get to talk to them and introduce them to the group so they'd know other people in the church aside from me
(... and a few more insignificant instances)

She said those things, though I may think are small or insignificant, show that I care.  And apparently I am, in a way, "welcoming" and approachable, to some people whom I've just met for the first time to feel they can talk to me and let me introduce them to my group.  She said, by this, God may be using me as a tool to draw people to the group or to be in one of the church groups.

I went home really thinking about it.  Is that how I really appear to her?  Is it just to her???  Or do other people see that in me too?  Was I too hard on myself, putting down myself, magnifying my negative traits that I fail to see even a glimmer of that goodness in my character?  I know I am not evil, but neither am I an angel.  

I believe that we do not really know ourselves, completely.  Ofcourse we know ourselves better than most people would know us, but there are some things in us or about us that we don't see and only other people could see.  Could this be one example of that?  Or has it become such a norm to me to act that way without knowing it may have some significance, tiny as it may be, to the people around me?  If so, how interesting to find out that I have been unknowingly doing some good after all!  But if it were really true, that I am caring... I wish I could keep being like that, if not more, I wish I would still unknowingly keep doing that.  And if God is really using me as a tool for His work on other people, I wish He would continue using me through all the things that I don't see in myself.  :)