I Hope I Still Make You Proud

Last Sunday was Father's Day, as expected, a special video presentation was shown at the end of the church service and as I watched the video, showing father-and-child moments and the beautiful quotes on how great our fathers are, I felt this sadness slowly creeping into my heart. The harsh reality that I could no longer celebrate this day with you, that you are no longer here, always makes me feel like I've lost you all over again.

You know, I have moved on... but I never stopped thinking about you. After all these years, I still miss you. I cannot describe the pain and sadness I feel when the thought that you will not be here today, or tomorrow, or the next, strikes me. The sight of a father walking his daughter down the aisle, giving her hand to the man she loves always bring tears to my eyes, not only because of the touching scene but because I know you won't be able to do that for me. You will not be able to hold my babies in your arm, to play with your grandchildren. They will never see what a great grandfather you could have been. You will not see how your daughter transforms into a wife and a mother. Will you approve of me? Of how I raise my kids and my family? Will you be proud of me?

I wish I could still talk to you and share my troubles, my heartaches and my thoughts. I wish you were still here to listen, to give advice, to teach me, to guide me. I wish you could see where I am now, what I am now, how I am now. I hope you are happy with what I have achieved, what I have done with my life, what I have become. I know I've made many mistakes, but I hope you see my good deeds as well and that I never stopped trying to be better.

I'm sorry for the things I did that disappointed you or made you unhappy. I'm sorry for the things I should have done but did not get to do. I'm sorry I was immature, weak, insensitive, disrespectful, stubborn, selfish. I'm sorry for all my shortcomings and excesses. I'm sorry for the mistakes I made, the problems I've caused and the heartaches I've brought. I'm sorry I have so many flaws and I wasn't the best daughter. I'm sorry for not being able to show you how much I really love you.

Thank you for scolding me when I was a bad little girl. Thank you for giving me those "talks" when you knew I needed to be straightened out. Thank you for the lessons you've taught me. Thank you for the wonderful memories, the laughter and the jokes, the times we spent together. Thank you for cheering me up when you knew I was sad and down. Thank you for the encouragement. Thank you for being my rock and my strength. Thank you for accepting me as I am, for believing in me, for being proud of me and for loving me.

Thank you for being my father. I hope I still make you proud.