Even if you are no longer here...

Today is my father's 12th death anniversary. He died of emphysema and he was just 47. He was a smoker since young and the doctors said this was the major contributing factor to his ailment. It's been 12 years but his memory is still fresh in my mind.

I did not expect him to go, not so soon anyway... because I have always viewed him as a strong and resilient person. I do not know if I was just in denial, but when I learned about his condition my mind refused to believe that this is going to take him away from us. You see, it was actually his 'second life' that he was living because a couple of years before that, he caught the deadly Dengue Fever and was in a 50/50 critical condition but he recovered and bounced back to health. I was thinking that, like his battle with Dengue, he would be able to beat this as well... but I was wrong.

Until this day, I cry whenever I am reminded of him and the day of his passing. I was not able to say goodbye to him, he was already gone when I got to his side. It's like the world crumbled down, I just cried and cried and felt like my heart was breaking. I wanted to ask him so many questions... Why he did not wait for me? Why he did not say goodbye? Why he left us? Is he mad at me for not being there? It may sound selfish and I admit it is, but I also asked him for one last favor, to not completely leave me, to show himself to me, to make me feel his presence even if I cannot see him physically. And he did just that, exactly as I've asked and until now I know he is watching over me.

Sometimes it makes me sad that he is no longer here, that I cannot have a father-daughter moment with him anymore, that he is not here to give me some fatherly advice when I needed one, that I cannot spend time with him on Father's day or his birthday or Christmas day, that our family will never be complete anymore, that he will not be able to give me away to the man I will spend the rest of my life with and he will not see his grandchildren... but I know he would not want me to be sad and that he will never leave our side, he will always look after our family. For now, I will go on with life with his memory forever in my heart and looking forward to the day when I will see him again.