For months now...

For months now, I have been feeling tired… not that I have been working myself to death… although sometimes I do, but not really lately. Most of the time, I would sit all day in the office, with nothing much to do except trying to find things to do or to pass the time until it’s time to go home. At home… I cook, I clean, I wash… nothing much. There are some things to do, but either they can wait or I am just too lazy to attend to them.

For months now, I haven’t been sleeping well… not that I never had sleep problems before. I’m not the type who falls asleep easily, but lately I just cannot sleep. Sometimes it’s due to jet lag when I travel. Sometimes it’s because I over-sleep on some days. Sometimes it’s bad dreams. Sometimes there’s just too much on my mind… some people already told me I think and worry too much.

For months now, I didn’t feel like going out or meeting friends... not that I do not miss them, I really do and I would like to have someone to talk to every now and then, but I just don’t feel like going out, I just want to be alone. I don’t even feel like shopping a lot lately and that is not normal.

For months now, I find it so easy to cry or get teary-eyed. Sometimes I amaze even myself when tears would just start to flow… maybe I should audition for some drama show or movie, who knows I might be able to make something out of it. Hahaha. I have this “tear attacks” lately, sometimes when I am on the train, or the bus, or in the office! I try so hard not to let them fall, but when I am alone or at night when I am in bed I let them fall freely, it is much easier to just let them be.

For months now, I wonder what happened to me (I told you I think too much)… and then a lot of answers come up but in the end I still cannot explain what made me become like this now. Maybe it was all of those things, for sure it is. But, why now? When will it end? Will I feel not-so-tired again? Will I be happy again? I’m sure too that it will end, that I will feel alive again, that I will be happy again. I just do not know when…

For months now, I have been feeling that I am almost reaching the end of my rope… I just wish it’s the safe end, not the dead end. I know life is not easy. I know things (that we do not want) happen and they happen for a reason. I know this too shall pass. I know God has a better plan for me.

For months now, I have been very thankful to God for giving me the strength, the will and patience to be able to go through all these. For giving me my family and friends who never fail to listen, to give sound advice, to let me cry, to make me laugh, to support me, to lift me up when I am down, to keep me sane. And, most of all, for giving me one more day everyday, to battle these and my demons out, to move on one day at a time and to look forward to that “something better” He has in store for me.